Lately, I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed. After the whirlwind of graduation weekend, my friend leaving the country a day later, and a busy last weekend, I thought I was entering that eery clam that we get after a really big storm rushes through. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I’m working full-time at the U and taking a class. I have been hanging out with friends, doing church things, and finally getting some sleep (which was needed-so needed). There’s only one problem though, I am feeling overwhelmed, actually more than that, I’ve been feeling apathetic toward doing the one thing that I need to get done: support-raising.
Next year, I will be interning at Hope Community Church’s Leadership Development Institute. In order to do ministry work next year, I need to support-raise and essentially find individuals and families to partner with me in prayer and finances in order to make next year work. This terrifies me and I haven’t even started to support-raise yet. I guess I might be scared to start because I’m scared of rejection, of people saying ‘no, i don’t support you’. Maybe I haven’t started because the last thing I want to do is write a letter, put myself out there, and become the vulnerable human-being that I’ve tried to hide from the majority of my Christian life. Is my heart not in it? Surely LDI is what I’m suppose to do next year. God has given me sign after sign and feeling after feeling, but my empty heart and apathetic soul are what I’m left with. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I know something isn’t right with me and the Lord. I’m frustrated.
Now I know the logical thing to do is to turn to scripture and prayer, right? Right. But with where my heart is right now, that’s the last thing that I want to do. I don’t want God to teach me a lesson (which is probably what He’ll do). I don’t want to be convicted by His word (which is probably what will happen). I don’t want to hurt, but I’ve learned over the past few months that in order for change to happen, I need to hurt. I need to be broken and I need to trust that the Lord can piece me back together. I need to trust that the Lord will provide for me this summer, next year, and all the days of my life.
The bottom line is that I need to trust that God is enough for me. This is probably why I was called to do LDI next year.