i’m trying so hard to forgive tcf bank for taking $70 out of my account last week due to “overdrafting” which were not of my doing. my paycheck was in my account before any checks were cashed, but they insist that it was not, thus the two overdraft fees. i decided that i was to close my accounts right there and then. well, it should have worked out that way, but being the responsible adult i am, earlier that a.m. i had sent in two bills that needed to be paid. once those checks cleared, i am going to strut right into tcf bank and close my final connection with them; my checking account. but of course, the saga doesn’t end here. no, it actually continues to about 25 minutes ago. every night, before i rest my head against my pillow and say my prayers, i check my facebook, twitter, and bank accounts. i like having peaceful and restful sleep which implies me knowing that things are in order and i won’t wake up to my world being shaken. i check my bank account tonight (after avidly checking it this afternoon) and i find out that my account is wayyyy lower than i thought it was. not. cool. after a bit of a panic and a realization that if money isn’t deposited into my account before my one final check clears, i’m going to be hit for another overdraft fee. so there i was, 1:25am, driving to tcf bank to deposit moolah into the bank account that has caused me anxiety since i opened it 4 years ago. the check is deposited. i have a receipt, yet i’m still anxious about my finances. today, i hate money. in all seriousness, it is inherently evil. i don’t want to have to deal with it, but i have to in order to survive in society.
i used to really love money. in high school, i was making much more than all of my friends. i relied heavily on student loans to get my through my four years of college, and i definitely didn’t have a problem living a pretty good lifestyle of eating out, movies, and shopping sprees. i loved having those things to turn to when i was bored, sad, happy, celebrating an achievement, or mourning a loss. those were things that would always be there and i loved that. my love for money went so deep that i have placed myself into credit card debit, student loan debit, and hardly any savings in the bank.
and yet God is still using this to refine me. i used to idolize money. not i idolize my hatred of money. i’m sinning while idolizing those things. in 1 timothy 6:10, it says ‘for the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.’ i have to ask myself, have i wandered from the faith? yes, definitely at times while i was idolizing other things, like money, before my true idol, God. have i been grief-stricken due to this? i wouldn’t be up at 2:13am writing if this i wasn’t, would i? so yes, i’ve wandered and am experiencing grief.
i pray that God uses these feelings to continue to refine me in my sinful nature. it’s my hope that I put Christ before any feelings of despair about my finances and pray that this may be used to bring glory to the Kingdom.
so now it’s a waiting game. what will tcf bank process first: my deposit from just an hour ago, or the check that i had yet to clear? i don’t know, but whatever happens, God will use this in my life and possibly with others. who knows, maybe he’s just preparing me for LDI next year. rumor has it that LDI interns don’t have too much money to spare so i should be thankful that he’s already watching out for my future.